Monday, 20 September 2010

Day 26 Emotional eating

Today was an emotional eating day. Started last night when I did a dead of the night fridge raid, divesting it of the second caramel cream bun, the leftover chicken, some slices of ham and a banana. Somewhere in my food fixated brain was a little voice saying at least if you are going to binge do it with the SW principles of eating protein (as yesterday was an Original day). Hmmm - method in the madness I presume.

I had such a nice time yesterday, I suppose I was sad that this was no longer something that occurs with regularity in my life. R is an ex-lover I lived with for many years, and we revisited that happy co-existing duality of ours, the easiness of long time lovers but without the lover extras. I suppose I was regretting that I felt I could no longer hug and hold and touch him without giving him the idea I want a resumption of our previous relationship. I miss the human contact with him as he was always such a touchy feely man. So I guess the emotional eating today was in compensation for that.

Next time he comes to see me I will explain that sometimes I will touch him, and hug him and so forth and it isn't that I want us to resume our previous relationship, it is because I feel affection for him and have to express it that way. I hope he will be okay with it. I'd rather do that than resort to eating in the middle of the night again! And having a hug is so much better than eating Green & Black's 30% cocoa Milk Chocolate...

On the lovely side, he borrowed that Artist's Way book from me, and was inspired enough to have a go at it, and I am so pleased. :) I always want my friends to achieve their dreams.

So onto the food log: a sighingly sad 4064. I'm wasn't going to bother with the SW Syns today, but curiosity made me calculate the extent of my synning (urgh-dreadful pun) and it is a faintworthy 101. Tomorrow is another day :) and another chance to be what I want it to be.

Midnight snack: chicken drumstick, 6 slices ham, banana, cream bun
Breakfast: 2 mugs roobios tea, banana-strawberry-honey-yoghurt milkshake
Lunch: 125g french baguette with tomato & mozzarella salad dressed with olive oil & balsamic vinegar
Snack: bulghur wheat salad, cottage cheese, 3 slices ham
Sad snack: 100g Green & Black's milk chocolate
Dinner: 2 mugs homemade chicken-pasta-vegetable soup
late snack: 2 bagels with light cream cheese & smoked salmon, roobios tea
later snack: 1 pain au chocolat, 1 options hot chocolate drink, 3 crackers, 2 mugs roobios tea

A note on the soup. It does work, soup stays in the belly for the longest time! Handy I have made quite a lot of that. I see soup, and other veggie delights in my immediate future for this week...!!

And another thing - I am so sore from our digging and weeding and planting yesterday :) It's a good kind of sore though, an accomplishment muscle ache, hurrah for me!

A further note on all the snacking. I am genuinely shocked at my total. What I have eaten today is probably far less than the amount I might have eaten on a so-called 'healthy' day before I started being mindful, counting calories & tracking my food. So goodness knows how many calories I might have been consuming with my platters of 8 crackers with butter and slivers of cheese, my couple of croissants with sugared cafe au lait, my platters of salads drenched in home made olive oil rich dressings, the cartons of roast chicken pieces I might finish at one sitting telling myself it was only protein.

): I'm so sad at how delusional I have been, how utterly bliinkered. :) And...I am happy at how now I have some tools at my disposal to really see how much I am putting into my mouth that I can make the best choices for myself in future. There is a silver lining to this binge day, hmm, I can't call it a binge day - this backtrack to my previous eating habits day :)

On a slightly surreal note. While I was sitting here working out all those numbers, the phone rang. It was a wrong number. A man with a scots accent wanting to chat to his mate and thinking I was the mate's wife. A minute or two later he called back, the number he had been given in an email was erroneously mine! And then he said I had a nice accent!!! Thinking about it now, that was rather sweet, and it has left me with a little happy glow. And the realisation that attractiveness does not reside purely in the visual. There are lovely things about me that have nothing to do with how I look now. :) I'm going to write myself a list of 10 non visual body things that are attractive about me today. LOL update: that guy called back! And asked for a date! How amusing. He's in town this weekend visiting his friend, so I said call me when he's here and we'd see. It's nice to be asked out. and interesting if I meet him how he correlates my voice with my physical self, or if he will be amazed. I sound very English and look very Asian!

Yesterday I read a blog post by someone, who said it is important to love yourself irrespective the size you are now. There are many many fabulous things about myself that have nothing whatsoever to do with my weight. I'll do a post about that soon.

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