Friday, 26 December 2014

Christmas 2014

Go me!
I have lost 7 lbs this month.
Totally awesome.
And have not felt hungry. :)

Christmas was great. My brother came to visit, and we watched movies, ate good food because I was cooking, and went on a walk in the park.

I've had my two days of eating more carbs than usual. Tomorrow it is back on the low carb high fat primal/paleo lifestyle. This time with more walking. Am determined to get used to walking to the pool by the end of the year. So I can start the year with a swim!

Getting a denture for my missing front tooth too. That should be an interesting development. Muffled talking, mpfff mpff. And perhaps some new lenses for my glasses.

My love life continues apace - no body special, just all guys. I'm going to kiss a few and see if they'll become princely or become frogs. And I'll be enjoying myself, because I have decided just to take them at face value, because they are not ever going to be more important than me.

Yes. I am the centre of my universe. I am the person that matters. In this life, I am it. I think life is about to get quite interesting from now on.

I do want to be an occupational therapist, so getting that route mapped out and financed is my next step. And a job. Another couple of months of getting fitter and more stamina and I should be ready for anything. Viva me!

Tuesday, 23 December 2014

30 days of low carb high fat - awesome!

Have done a whole month now.
Amazing me!
Have lost 5 lbs, maybe more when I get myself weighed tomorrow at the pharmacy.
I feel better.
I look better.
I got lots of compliments recently, which have boosted my self-esteem.
And the best thing is, I have found it easy.
Yes, 90% easy.
My only difficult day was going out to pizza express, but that was ok in the end because I counted it towards a 20% non paleo/primal allowance which I hadn't really been using.
I've found aiming for 1800 has resulted in my eating less habitually, and a little more on some days.
So there has been a bit of cycling of the calories and carbs.
Keeping the body on its toes :)

Now for the start of the walking.
Got to build on this. Some walks now between Xmas and New Year.
Then I start a Whole 30, that is low carb, high fat without dairy (except ghee), sugar & alcohol.
Hmm, going to miss milky tea, cheese, sour cream, yoghurt, cream & my little bit of cooking alcohol.
But have eaten like this for a couple of weeks before. It isn't a hardship.

An example:
Eggs cooked with butter, sliced tomatoes, fruit tea
smashed sardines in own oil, lemon juice, ground black pepper, chopped cucumber & radishes
chicken breast, pan fried with coconut oil, green beans, baby carrots, butter
Hmm, sub the butter with ghee (must buy ghee)
Drink lots of water
Remember my EPA, multivitamin+iron & BP drugs.

Hmm, Christmas week coming up. We are having ice cream cake. Rhubarb fool. And possibly creme bruleƩ. That will be the most puddings I've eaten in a while :)

Am hoping to lose a stone and a couple of pounds by the end of Feb.
Going to see what I can do. And how good I'm going to look!

Sunday, 21 December 2014

Empowerment for all body types

Bringing back the sass

I've spent, its seems, almost all my life bemoaning and being ashamed of the fact that I was always, always bigger than the norm. Forever trying to make myself slimmer looking, slimmer in truth, hiding my body, disguising it with dark clothes, loose clothes, always wearing frumpy stuff which skimmed and hid. Slouching. Being a smartarse, to deflect attention from my body. Hiding in plain sight. Standing behind people in photographs. Trying always to take up less room in this life. Minimizing myself.

It has coloured my life, this dissatisfaction about my wieght & rotundity and affected my self-esteem a lot. Probably was the reason I was sexually promiscuous at an early age when really none of those boys ever made me feel special. Looking for validation in the wrong places.
And so it continued through 3 long term partners and lots of shorter affaires, flings, one night stands. Every one of those men, always commented on my fat, and how I would be happier if I just lost a little, what a sweet, pretty face I had, mention pop stars who might have similar features but be half my size, mention liking stuff like tight bottoms, tiny light women they'd dated before...a veritable stable of little pricks and pokes and sharp little digs to prickle through my fat self as unworthy, unpretty, not as good as all those other women they discussed. And I never realised it as put downs, just as advice on how to become prettier etc., merely internalizing it, and subconsciously eating away the hurt and putting it under more fat to protect my self from it.

All that changed earlier this month, when I encountered a man who absolutely loved every curve, every roll, every pound of me. Just exactly as I am now. Yes, my currently size 26/28 self. That one with the enormous bum, massively wobbly thighs, and arms like fat joined sausages. He adored my stomach, gulped and sighed over my bum, was awed and blissed out holding my soft self to him. It was a total revelation to me. Not one of my lovers previous to this one had ever celebrated my body in such a way. And it made me feel so beautiful, and for the first time in my life, I felt sexy, truly and utterly. And free. Free to be entirely myself, without trying to position myself so my body looked 'better'. Without feeling I had to perform for him, to ensure he had the best sexual time as a compensation for being with fat unlovely me, because it was untrue. He felt he was the lucky person, and that was so gloriously sweet. And I am smiling even now while I think of this. If nothing else, this man did me the biggest good turn of his life, he gave me back my confidence in myself, without my having to change one iota of my being. And for that he defininitely deserves his place in my hall of heroes.

From this, I have had the confidence to be myself in almost every thing I have done since. I've been sassy. I've been sociable. I've gone out and done stuff unthinkable of just 6 months ago. Perhaps part of it is that after a long period of depression my chemicals have rearranged themselves. Or it was just time for my brain to re-engage in life. But these last 3-4 weeks, which coincided with my going back on the paleo/primal bandwagon have been the best weeks in the last 5 years. Even if I encounter any fat-haters from now on, this memory will be one that will make me feel great, and know that I am just fine, whatever size I am.

So, thank you, Harry, I will always cherish your memory, sweet man.

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Yay! Downsizing again

Am downsizing again, finally.
These three weeks of eating low carb, high fat, moderate protein have finally paid off.
Hopped on a scale last week, and was sadened to see I weighed 343 lbs with my clothes & boots on. Must have gained a whole lot more than I thought, with my 3 months of carb ingesting overeating :(

This week, the scale told me I'd lost a whopping 5 lbs! :D :D :D
Worth every day of feeling less than great last week.

Am back on the doxazosine. 2mg this week. Next week 2mg twice daily. Week after 2mg once & 2x2mg once. Week after that 4mg twice daily. Doc is determined to bring down my blood pressure which was a scary 165/109 last week.

I've been out and about. A little walking. Being on the doxazosine has resulted in my feeling faint, tired and dizzy a lot of the time. No energy. Plus nauseated, and feeling sick after eating :( Hopefully I will stabilize and none of those will affect me once I am used to the meds again.

Love life news: the man I want isn't responding to me, so I'm sad. The guys I don't really care that much about text and call me...oh well. Time anyway to get sorted for Christmas. It is just around the corner suddenly :) Family are coming to visit me, I hope this year.

Home made decorations this year - crepe paper chains (I found a load of art materials), a spray painted branch Xmas tree, or maybe this year I will make a pagan style ball and fill it with greenery, fruit, spices and berries. And make the house smell nice with cinnamon and oranges, yummy!

Monday, 1 December 2014


I'm enjoying myself at the moment, chatting to various men on a dating website. Something I haven't done in a long long time.

Currently I'm intrigued by one, being semi-pursued by another, and have the tender sensibilities of another to assuage. To none of these men have I promised anything apart from a chance to meet me. Yet for the first I am really hopeful. Because he is funny and cute. And I'm very much attracted to his picture. And his lovely voice. Yes, I know men post the best photo they have, and yes, they sometimes lie. I like him, his personality very much. The second man is also lovely, he is a teaser, I would like to meet him. But I don't have the same fizzing excitement as I do with the first. The third, well, I think he needs a friend. I could be surprised and find he astounds me. I won't know that till I meet him in person.

It is nice all this. After so many years of feeling miserable, this optimism and acceptance of whatever might or might not transpire is heady. And what I find the most amusing is that I have only lost 6% of my bodyweight. And have lost a front tooth. I have a long way to go yet, and I may never go out with any of these guys. But for now the anticipation of meeting is sweet and I am enjoying myself.