Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Weight update

23 stone 6 lbs on the scales today.

This morning I woke up and I thought, I've got to do something to help myself in the eating stakes. So, I poured a whole, unopened half pint carton of double cream from the weekend down the sink. It reminded me of the time I gave up smoking, when I cut my remaining cigarettes in half and soaked them in water.

In giving up smoking, in Feb 2005, it took me about a year to completely give up. I backslid. Sneaked the odd fag when I went out, which luckily wasn't that often. Back in 2005 I started a diet with Slimming World in Sept and my weight then was recorded as 22 st 5 lbs. I'm pretty positive I had been bigger in 2004. But still. Right now I'm a whole stone bigger, yikes.

Well, it has taken me all of two hours to backslide again. I've just eaten a whole load of crackers with butter & roulé. However, I'm not going to beat myself up about this. What I'm going to do is go swimming at lunchtime instead, and enjoy the experience. Cool water, seeing the sky through the skylights as I do backstroke - maybe the sun will come out. And in between this morning, I'm doing a little gardening. That flower/veg bed isn't going to make itself! And even if it isn't perfectly put together, I don't think the seeds and plants will mind - they'll just be happy to be in the soil, nurtured by water and raring to pop their little noses out into the big wide world!

Yes - I've realised that I put a lot of stuff off by imagining it needs to be perfectly done to be done. Not so. Lots of stuff can be pulled together and work on just a wing and a prayer. The important thing is that I do it. So pouring the cream out was a good thing. Eating crackers is fine - it is fuel for the day - this activity filled day I'm now planning. The most important thing is that I feel good about everything I do. Nothing is intrinsically bad, only the feelings I attach to it.

Those crackers & cheese tasted really good. My tummy feels fine. I'm no longer hungry. It is 10 am now. Adult lengths session starts at 12 noon, so I'll be moseying up the hill around then, with another little enjoyable pitstop after to change my library books. Filling my day with activities and treats that I like will make doing the stuff I don't enjoy so much easier to do. Like tidying up, and vacuuming.

And if I fill my head with other stuff then those crackers won't be calling my name so insistently!

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Swim first

I swam this weekend, for the first time since November last year. And I am so pleased with myself, because I swam 32 lengths of 25m, then, because my athletic friend was with me and wanted to continue for longer, I swam another 10 lengths, one of which was front crawl - a stroke I almost never do because I find the breathing a little restrictive.

I did it though, and got up there by practicing a few strokes in the breaststroke length I was doing beforehand. Psyching myself up. Focusing on feeling my arm movement. Concentrating on breathing evenly, and telling myself, yes, you're doing this, and yes, you're doing just fine, and yes, you DO have enough air.

I'm amazed at what I can do. I was on a little happiness vibe for the rest of the day. And that was in addition to the fact I had visitors for the Bank Holiday weekend - two people very dear to me, my ex - him of athletic friendship now, and my only brother. It was wonderful to have people with me. To prepare food for a sunny afternoon barbecue, to cook a yummy lunch for them, to have conversation and companionship.

My father died last month, after a short stay fighting to stay alive in hospital. His heart finally gave out. I miss him, but I'm also glad it was a fast ending, with just a few hours at the end when he was no longer aware of my mother and sister who were at his bedside. I'm glad he was his usual autocratic self, right up to the end, compos mentis to the very last. I'm glad he had a good death. I'm glad I made my peace with him a few years before. I'm glad we finished on a good note between us - Daddy & I often had a rocky relationship, much as we loved each other.

I'm not sure what grief stage I'm in right now. I'm pottering around, getting the garden in shape, doing not very much. Watching things grow. Enjoying the company of my cat. Feeling sad now and then, but getting on with living. Which is good. If this has happened a few years ago, when my emotional outlook was less positive I am sure it would have had a much worse effect on me. Instead of which I am looking on the positives, the gains I made with my relationship with my parents, the mending of them, and the fun times we had both in the long ago past and the recent past. I'm glad a couple of years ago I made the effort to really talk with my dad who was never very communicative, I believe we said everything that was needful between us and things were as good as they could be when he died.

I'm spending a month with my mother, so she will not be alone without family. All of her children and siblings live in other parts of the world. She can't fly due to ill-health herself. And she has a good, busy, friendship-filled and happy life where she is. And being there has the additional benefit of a change of scene for me, an opportunity to kick-start my health journey again.

I did the free BUPA online health age check, just out of interest. Eeek! I am 67! But the good news is, if I improve my nutrition, exercise every day, AND lose weight I can reduce it by 27 years...

I love optimism. I love the 'so, you're in not such a good place right now, but hey, you can fix that' attitude. It is empowerment. It is something that can be changed. Change is good. Life is change. Self-care is always good. Doing nice small things for myself and my environment every day. Like sitting in my garden, pottering around, reading great thought-provoking books, having interesting conversations with friends and family, stroking my cat and playing with her, being mindful about what I say, do and eat.

This was the blog entry I read today by wellness coach, Christine Inge. I think, we can't always control every facet of this river of life we're on, but we can certainly direct it, divert it, and use its momentum to carry us to places we want to be and places we will find most interesting. The best thing I can do now is improve my health and live life fully and well. My current weight is 23 st 4 lbs. Let's see what this summer brings.