Friday, 31 December 2010

Day 129 Hogmanay!

End of the year, beginning of another year. A better year for me, definitely!

Food today - pretty good. Grapefruit & orange for breakfast, lo-cal veg & cannellini bean soup, brie & apple for lunch, about to have a couple of boiled eggs now. I've got plans for griddled salmon steak & courgettes later, and have factored in crisps and an alcoholic drink to see in the New Year. I have looked longingly at the biscuits at the top of the fridge, but said "no thanks. I'll have you another time, when you have been factored into my plan."

Happy New Year to all,, and may the coming year bring you health, happiness and prosperity.

Thursday, 30 December 2010

Hip Hip Happy stomach

This time yesterday my stomach was very unhappy. It felt queasy, I felt nauseous, my throat had that acid clogged up feel, and my gut was definitely twitchy and bloated. I realized that these were all feelings & symptoms I hadn't felt in a long time, and was only feeling them now because I had been recklessly eating just as I always had before - vast amounts of butter, white bread, cheese, chocolate, too much of even healthier stuff. Not to mention cream, Baileys, gin & tonics, beer...Poor overladen gut. I feel sluggish. And my ankles have swollen up - yikes!

So today, I called a halt to all that excess.

Today has been a watchful day. It has also been a no starchy carbs day. I think eating pasta, rice, potatoes, b-r-e-a-d sends me into a bit of a gorge frenzy, so I've cut them out for the next few days. Today has been all about protein & veg/fruit.

I've had just around 1800 calories. Lots of fruit - mango & orange for breakfast, and an apple this evening. Lots of veggies - a big pot of low calorie cream of celery & leek soup, cleverly made using buttermilk for the creamy taste ( that stuff is amazing, only 55 cals per 100ml ); lettuce, carrots & courgettes with my chicken breast for dinner, and I've had a couple of boiled eggs and a couple of ounces of brie for snacks. 4 teaspoons of olive oil. Several mugs of roobios tea, and a couple of mugs of water. And I managed to incorporate a couple of treats - 25g of Divine 85% dark chocolate...yum! and a slug of sherry with my stirfry this evening. All my food looked beautiful, and tasted fab.

I feel satisfied, and because I made sure I ate every 2-3 hours, and had planned every bite for today, I wasn't trolling the kitchen looking for eats. Yay for forward planning.

Here's for tomorrow's good day.

Day 128 It is only a thought and a thought can be changed

I drew up another plan for myself. This time I'm basing it on eating mostly proteins and veggies/fruit with a little complex carbohydrates & fats now and then. And it is being split up into 6 small meals throughout the day.

I want to lose weight. But I am also sabotaging myself. I also want to succeed at my job. But again here, I am sabotaging myself. It is as if there is a thought somewhere buried in my head that I don't deserve to be fit & healthy, and I don't deserve to be successful. So perhaps going back to making affirmations that I do & some EFT regularly will help.

This last two weeks I have eaten like someone coming out of the desert or castaway island. Last night, even after writing out my new plan, I scarfed down 3 bagels, a huge bowl of pasta with butter, half a chorizo sausage, is like my subconscious is trying to comfort myself in some way.

Perhaps it is anxiety. Perhaps it is feeling inadequate. Perhaps it is fear of failing. Whatever it is, it has got to stop!

Do you hear me, subconscious?
It is okay to feel my fear of failing.
It is okay to feel anxious.
It is okay to feel inadequate.
All of these things are just human feelings.
And they are merely thoughts. What is the real truth?
When I look at all of these objectively now, what do I see?
In my job, I have made amazing inroads into this project, despite all the obstacles & setbacks. I have received plenty of positive feedback so far. More to the point, I am still within the time parameters for delivery.
In my weight-loss, I did lose nearly 11 lbs in two weeks. I can lose weight! I can go on a walk every day. I can change my eating & exercising habits.
In my life, maybe my relationship failed because we BOTH had issues. Everyone has emotional baggage and equal responsibility to work at making a relationship good. There were two of us there.

It is good to say those things to myself.
Now I'm off to make some affirmations & do a little EFT. Then listen to Louise Hay tell me I am a wonderful, unique AND deserving human being. And finally, start to declutter my prosperity and helpful people corners. Then sit down with a cup of lovely reviving tea, my orange & mango breakfast, and get stuck into this project.

This show isn't over until the ex-fat lady sings. And she ain't singing yet! :)

Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Day 127 A Happy Moment or Two

Cornbury Music Festival 2009. An exciting weekend sharing with my sister. For someone who really doesn't like slumming it, she was a trooper, and despite the inclement weather really enjoyed herself. I was so happy she wanted to come with me. We do something nice together like this most years - last year it was a Spa Day to celebrate her birthday, where I got my first ever massage, a strange and eventually blissful experience! This is how I looked afterwards, in the recovery Tea Room, slightly bemused!

Sharing time with my loved ones is important. Not so much what we do, but that we have fun in doing it. Next year I might suggest we try out Harrogate Spa since she's now based in the North of England. I might even try out a mud face pack!

Tuesday, 28 December 2010

Readjusting my goals and coming out of hiding

I've been reviewing my weight ups and downs over the last 4 months. It has certainly been a mite yo-yo-ish, and rather slow. One thing perhaps that may be deterring me is the huge mountain I am to descend - hmm, decreasing my mountainous belly??!! ;) so, I have readjusted my initial goal weight to 265 lbs, which is about the lowest I weighed in the last 4 years. And at that weight, my life was certainly much more enjoyable! :) It also seems to be a far more achievable goal to go for now, and perhaps get down to that weight in 6 months or so might be possible.

My other goals for the next 6 months:
Find some new housemates
Find & keep some excellent new clients
See more of my friends
Really make a go of my allotment this year
Swim 2 miles!
Walk a 5k
Cycle everywhere!
Have a go at dinghy sailing again
Keep on decluttering and beautifying my home :)
Desist from hiding away because of my weight.

I've been reading feng shui and self-help books over this holidays, and they both basically say the same thing: make the intent, meditate on the wish, and then take action to create the outcome I want.

This next 6 months is going to be all about action. A C T I O N. The doing of. The getting out there and getting on with it. No matter how small any of my actions may be, my purpose is to do it. Whether it is a small thing like getting out of the house and going for a 10 minute walk or a much bigger thing like calling up a company and selling my services.

Got to say the second thing kind of freaks me out a little, I am so loathe to push myself forward. But. If I don't do it, how will those companies or people out there know that I am the person for the job? So, got to do it. And I think the more I do it, the less fraught I will feel about the inevitable 'thanks, but no thanks' I might get, because at some point there will be a 'yes' and a 'can I see more' and 'would you be interested in this project' :) And I am not going to allow myself to use my weight as an excuse. So what if I am fat. What matters is that the service I provide is what my client wants, and that I deliver on time, on budget and a product they are pleased to have.

The activity thing too is something I have to keep up. It is cold and miserable at the moment, and I'm totally disinclined to go out. But. Every time I do, I find my mood lifts, and I feel good that I've done my little walk. This will equally apply to any swim or squats or whatever exercise thing I hit upon doing.

When I look back at 2010, I find that I've done a lot of soul searching, looking back into my past, seeing my previous actions in a different light, and most of all, being kind to myself, instead of denigrating myself. I think that last has been the best, and most positive thing I've learned to do this year. I realise I have a long way to go, but right now, I am growing in my own self-confidence, and self-esteem, and learning to make better choices every day. I like myself so much more than I did last year. That is such a good feeling. :)

Day 126 Attractiveness in others, and how it might apply to myself

Today's photo is to be of someone I find attractive. I thought quite hard about this, and decided on choosing people who represent an ideal for me, rather than individuals I have known personally. When I thought about the predominant qualities that drew me to them, I discovered it wasn't so much their looks (although that has some bearing) but their energy and vitality and over all else, their enthusiasm and ability to communicate their ideas. And their curiosity about the world around them.

So - what I find attractive is men who are energetic, active, passionate about their interests and verbally erudite. Great communicators. Interested about the world. Fit. And in thinking about this, I realise that all those qualities are what I am seeking for myself, in myself. I want to be energetic, active, passionate about my interests, curious about the world. I'm already pretty good with words, but there is always room for improvement in relationship skills! So, becoming an excellent communicator and promoter of ideas and ideals close to my heart is part of my journey. And being fit enough and more, to be able to tramp across vast vistas of the earth, well, that would be amazing.

Isn't it great when one discovers stuff? Now I know what I want, I can change my habits to create the person I want to be. And in doing so, I am sure I will attract the kind of people I find energizing and inspirational to become part of my life.

Here are the men I find interesting and attractive. They are both scientists in the media, teachers/professors, and I love how they are so obviously enthusiastic and informative about their subjects. And in the process of teaching us, their audience, about the wonders of science, they keep our interest without ever straying into pedantic pedagoguery! (is that a real word?? hehe. Find out about Brian Cox here, and Ian Stewart here.


Monday, 27 December 2010

Day 125 Feng Shui & Toast

Today's photo is of something I ate today, I had toast! Except mine was whole grain, multi-seed, and plastered with Marmite...I ate it all before realizing I was supposed to photograph here is a facsimile from elsewhere on the interweb.:)

I'm having a look at a Feng Shui book I discovered on my bookshelf. All things I can do to direct my life into better directions are worth investigating. The first tenet of Feng Shui is to remove clutter, a very good idea in all cases! Then I will be sorting out my auspicious and inauspicious areas of the house & every room, and perhaps this year I will see even more improvements in my perseverance, dedication, and ability to enhance my health, wealth, business success and relationship prospects! :)

Sunday, 26 December 2010

Day 124 Boxing Day and Self-Love

-6ºC this morning. The sun is gleaming through the misty clouds, giving a golden glow to everything it touches. Midas touch. Will have to wrap up extra layers to go for my walk today. Just saw an intrepid copper cycle past - hmm, perhaps a short cycle ride around the cleared up roads tomorrow? We'll see.

Sandie Shaw is on Desert Island Discs this morning. There was a lovely song she sang in the sixties called Coconut Grove. She's a really interesting person, and her account of her life makes me realise that everybody has good and bad periods in their lives. And we all find ways to help us cope and allow us to grow as human beings. Hers was Buddhism, dropping out of the 60s musical spotlight and training as a psychotherapist. I particularly like the way she talks about choosing to work as a waitress rather than doing stuff she didn't feel comfortable with, in order to preserve her integrity. Self-respect, is, I believe the cornerstone of being authentic. I wonder what mine will be. This morning I am thinking, compared to myself of Christmas 2008, I am in such a different place, and a better place, a much more serene place. I hope by Christmas 2011, I will be someone who has self-respect, integrity and self-love. Those qualities are what I am really seeking. Being healthy, fit, successful etc etc will all come once I have those 3 things balanced in my life. :)

Today's photo is from last summer. Gosh, I remember a few days being really hot too, too hot to sit outside in my garden for long! What a difference a few months makes.

And we can apply that thought to all sorts of other things - like creating new habits. I'm back to my baby steps, and when I look back next Christmas at this post, I am sure I will be someone quite different - physically, emotionally, mentally and doing all sorts of things I cannot even fathom myself doing now! Yay for future change, and yay for living life moment by moment.

Saturday, 25 December 2010

Day 123 Joyeux Noël!

It is gloriously sunny and freezing cold here. I've got Radio 2 burbling away, my christmas chicken is still defrosting, cat is tucked up by a nice warm radiator after her morning tuna breakfast, and I've spoken to all my loved ones far away.

Going out for a little walk around, which may meander past the local pub for a swift gin and tonic! They do open fires there in winter which is always nice.

Merry Christmas to you all. :)

Hmm - best weekend? no photo, but plenty of lovely memories. Sometimes that is all we need, that snapshot in the mind. :)

Friday, 24 December 2010

Day 122 Eves

Curious thing, eves. Portentous word. The Eve of... Eve is also Adam's mate. Eve, I suppose, comes directly from Eventide, or Evening. So, here we are, at Christmas Eve. I've downed tools for the holiday, until Boxing Day. No work. I might think about it though.

The sun is shining, and it is still pretty cold. I've cleared the trodden in ice & snow from the garden path at the front. Might go do the same at the back, so cat can mosey out. Am pretty certain she hasn't ventured out for a week now! Hot-house princess moggy! Maybe she needs some bootees?

Photo of the day is of a night I enjoyed. Here am I at my 43th birthday with my siblings. We're at a chinese restaurant eating dim sum! Not a night, exactly, as it was lunch, but I don't have a photo of the night I first met my last partner. Now that was fun - we went to eat Lebanese food and I dazzled him with my newly acquired knowledge of British Sign Language Alphabet Signs! I still mean to learn BSL, perhaps this year will be the successful evening classes year. :)

Thursday, 23 December 2010

Day 121 Crowning glory

Hmm, photomonth deed of the day is to post a pic of a friend as a baby. Well, I haven't any. So, here is a picture of me as a blonde instead. :) That was fun, when I decided to do that. My hair is black. Totally and absolutely the deepest brunette a person can be. And I never had it cut professionally by myself  until I was 17! I don't count hairdresser visits with my mum - ooh that's bringing up a slew of memories of those helmet hairdryers and yakking women pulling my hair & scalp, oww! Anyways, I was 21, young free and single and I wanted a new look...

What I loved most about this hair-do was how people would ask me if I was from South America. Should have learned Spanish & Portuguese and baffled 'em further! ;)

The unreliable scales tell me I am 306 lbs. Well, that's 6 lbs I'm going to get off again. :) Some of it might be due to my hormonal cycle.

Splish splosh! I am going to try and make it to the pool this afternoon - got a pile of work to do first & then my conscience is clear. Tomorrow is my decorating tree day, and tidying up for my Seul Noël. Chrismas tree survived the ice, and seems to be none the worse for wear, yay! Hope my brother's flight makes it off the runway at Heathrow today, fingers crossed.

Interesting fact about this weight loss/habit changing journey - I opened a bar of chocolate yesterday, and could only eat 4 squares. Only 4! That is awesome. Who IS this person I've become? I like her. And even though I have put back all the weight I lost earlier this month, I'm glad I tried out that fatburner plan again. I learned some valuable stuff about myself: that I can do this, that I can be quite happy without eating lots of processed and fatty foodstuffs, that it is possible to change my eating habits, and that eating healthily is enjoyable. Now to get back to work on the new habit forming around exercise, and perhaps combine the two for my lasting good health.

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Day 120 Another frosty day

Snow still decorating my garden, and there are little footprints coming up to the back door...this household has a midnight visitor, probably another cat. I used to get annoyed about this, however, since I took steps to safeguard my own cat's vittles and we sleep in the same room elsewhere, I feel I can be kind and tolerant of this intrusion. It is cold. The cat may be hungry, or merely opportunistic, it doesn't matter. If I can help by feigning ignorance then another creature in this world has a little happiness.

Today's picture - the town I live in, courtesy of another website.


Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Day 119 Gulp!

Icy today. I know, excuses. But I'd rather be mobile than immobile from a fall, so it is indoor walkies, and I'll attempt getting the car going for my swimming later.

Update: It's 3 pm now, and I've done the walk at least. S-L-O-W-L-Y-! :D Uphill on the way there, downhill on the way back, and it is a lot warmer than this morning. Back home safe & sound. I'll check out the swimming pool tomorrow. Now have got a project to get finished, am cranking up the wheels for that! By procrastinating, natch...blogging is one example.

Finally hauled in the Christmas tree. Poor thing was covered in ice from the drips off the gutters, huge stalactites (or stalagmites??). I popped it into the bath tub to warm up and drip dry ;) Hope the ice hasn't damaged its needles.

Fridge has given up the ghost. Luckily it is chilly outside, so have improvised cold store out of some plastic tubs for the perishables. Looks like I'll be eating lots of cheese & eggs this week. I'm going to see if I can get the old thing working again, if not, it is off to the sales after New Year to find a new refrigerator. Ooo, I could get one that is both fridge and freezer this time. Have been wanting a little more freezer space for a while. :)

Today's photo is one of me standing up, from a couple of months back.


Monday, 20 December 2010

Day 118 Winter Equinox

December 21st is the shortest day of the year, and also the winter equinox. A good day I think to make a new start. I know, yet again, but hey, this is part of the if I fail once again, I can always pick myself up and start anew theme :) So. Here's the plan. For the next two weeks until 4 Jan.

To walk at least 20 minutes each day. Outside or inside. Up and down the stairs or on the flat, the idea is to get my legs moving for 20 minutes continuously.


To go swimming every day the pool is open (12 days total between 21 Dec to 4 Jan) and to swim at least 32 lengths each time.


After all, if I can do the fatburner plan for 2 weeks, I can do this for two weeks.

And. To make sure I do this, to do this as the first job of the day. :) Walk in the morning, swim at lunch, rest of the day to pat self on back for being so awesome ;) heh.

And soup is back on the menu for this fortnight, including Christmas. I'm going to make a festive soup! See, if I'm going to be by myself for the holidays, might as well have it exactly as I want. So cool. First time ever, I get to please myself entirely. Yay!

Day 118 Splooshy, Slooshy

I'm living in a world of slush. Postie braved my front path this morning, brave man. I must get out the spade and clear the snow. Tomorrow will be a good day to do that. A bit of exercise.

Christmas tree is still outside. I've spent the day trying to keep warm, and watching cooking programmes on the computer. Daft really, as it is almost certainly going to be Noel Seul. The weather being as yukky as it is, I don't feel like driving anywhere, so it is probably a fish dinner in the company of my snoracius cat! She does make me laugh. And her idea of a wonderful Christmas Day is a yummy dinner, and going to sleep perched on my tummy while I watch TV. Easy to please her :)


Hmm. Today's photo is supposed to be of something I like doing. Eating - certainly! But perhaps not so good to put in. Reading, yep, but not particularly energetic. Ahhh - dancing. I like dancing, although I haven't done much in a while. Ditto on cycling, walking, swimming, sailing...sigh. Guess the thing I seem to like doing best is... nothing. Snoozing, like my cat. Oh dear.

Well, that's got to change! So I'm putting in some photos of my walk in the snow yesterday, when I tramped through the slippy white stuff to the newly recreated winter wonder park :) Just a little tootle, but it got my circulation going, and it was fun. I'm planning more of this.


Sunday, 19 December 2010

Day 117 The Unreliable scales speak...

and I'm back up over 300 lbs. :( Okay. Snakes and ladders, Swings and Roundabouts.

I'm going to enjoy my Christmas week and not stress about gaining weight. What I will do instead, is get my wellies on, and some warm clothes, and go play and walk about in the snow before it all melts and gets turned into slush.

Live in the moment, exercise, practice moderation in all eating, and I'll get to where my body feels good, is fit, is healthy.

Job for today - de-snow my potted Christmas tree and bring it indoors.

Today's photo is of me at a school trip ski-ing in Austria when I was 14.


Saturday, 18 December 2010

Day 116 Being myself is OK

It was lovely to see my schoolmates again. It was lovely to hear about their lives, lay a few ghosts, laugh together, go goo-goo over our hostess's new baby, and reminiscence. I had a fun time. Best of all, I didn't feel at all envious of any of their lives, because it is okay being me.

And that is what I went there for. It's good to make peace with little me.

I liked how all my schoolmates turned out. Every single one of them a good egg! Hehe. I'm proud they were part of my life and that I know them. I'm feeling a tad emotional and very happy.

My lovely ex is thinking of doing a marathon next Spring. I told him I would be there to cheer him on, just let me know when. For myself, I have a little plan for entering a local 5K walk/run, which is held in May. So I will be starting up my walking fitness for doing that.

On today's picture - I don't do classes! So no photo.

It has snowed buckets here today. Took me twice as long to get back from my reunion as it took to get there yesterday. I'm certainly going to look into getting snow chains for my car if the UK weather starts being regularly snowy. That or a pair of skis to cross country there's a thought! Still snowing now, and this is the most snow I've seen for years of living here, and normally we get none or very little, and inch or so. Right now I'm looking out at 6 inches plus. :o

Thursday, 16 December 2010

Day 115 Cooking...

Small successes all add up to creating a sense of well-being and empowerment. I think that is what I am really looking for. Not just having a body that works well, and that allows me to do all sorts of stuff, but also having the mindset that enables me to think of, and go out and do it!

Cooking is one place I find this. I remember at 19, trying to cook as I imagined how a dish ought to be made, and failing dismally. Ohh the sulks and disgruntlement, and anger I felt. I now realise it was because I had not lived up to my own expectations of a 'perfect' dinner. I was not living in the moment either. Hello, little 18 year old me, from this perspective I'm living now, it is okay to not be perfect, to not succeed at everything, so long as I keep on trying. That's the thing you didn't think about, that living life is one huge experiment. An experiment in living, and practice truly does make everything improve.

The point of this ramble is that I tried two experimental dishes last night. They both look good. The oven kindly behaved itself, thank you, universe! I'd never done those particular recipes before. But what I realised as I was making them was, I had a wealth of experience of making different recipes which informed how I went about making these. Collected wisdom. And because I had noticed certain things before, when something didn't look quite right, or smell or taste quite what I expected, I made adjustments. And that is the thing. To constantly keep making adjustments to this recipe for living life, and to enjoy the process. And I did enjoy making my two desserts yesterday. The planning. The shopping (I went to 2 different places to get stuff!). The assembly.

Now I'm going to be transporting my creations to a hopefully appreciative audience. If there are leftovers, I'll pop by to see my brother and inflict some lemon cake on him!

Today's photo is supposed to be of me at the last party I went to. Unfortunately, I have no photos of that. It was a lovely tea party, during the summer in a friend's garden, that backs onto some woods. And afterwards we went for a little walk, to visit an allotment or rather most everyone else went for a walk and I drove to the destination because at that point I still couldn't walk anywhere far, or fast. Today though I think I could. :) And maybe I will, next time I go to G's house. Here's me last summer.


Day 114 a photo of me with someone I love

Here's a picture of me with the best big brother in the world. He is kind, generous and absolutely lovely. Here we are at the Chinese restaurant Eipoh celebrating my dad's birthday.

BIG BRO & ME, 2009
I really like that dress - hope to get back into it in time for the summer!

Foodwise, am not doing so great. But am still eating my fruit and veg! This morning's fruity delight was a yummy mango. Not so good was the toast with butter... I'm planning an eggy lunch, or possibly some carrot & lentil soup. Dinner tonight, boiled potatoes, some kind of protein & a medley of boiled veg - carrots, broccolli & peas probably, and my excellent standby, Bisto gravy. Hmm, can tell I'm feeling cold!

Tomorrow is the reunion - am full of trepidation and excitement about it. Got to pop along to the supermarket now to get various ingredients and somewhow fit in some cake-making in between all the ridiculous work deadlines...Have now decided on the desserts, an easy peasy no cook decadent chocolate ganache style tart & a sharp and rich lemon polenta cake. And am getting some berries & greek yoghurt, so if either of those fail, I will have something to take tomorrow!

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Day 113 my favourite family member

is, or rather, was, my little brother. He died 10 years ago, before he was 30. We, his family, always thought it was pretty miraculous that he made it to that great age. :) Beset by many medical complications all his life, and robbed of the full mental faculties he was born with because of those, and despite the effects of his ill-health on the family dynamics, he nevertheless brought lots of sunshine and happiness into our lives. It is his birthday this Sunday. I love you, little bro, rest in peace.


Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Day 112 Up and down, and a photo of one of my best friends

I seem to be regaining some of the pounds I lost last week. I know why. I've been like a horse confined to eating hay all winter and suddenly been let out to lush verdant pasture again. Hmm, have even had a touch of colic from eating too much rich foodstuff!

Had better rein myself in before I get back to that 300 lbs mark. :(
So easy to regain. So hard to lose...but perseverance is the key.

I've been subconsciously telling myself 'I'm working so hard at work, surely I need a little treat?' and before I know it, that little treat has become lots of extra snacks plus 3 decent sized meals. And I've been eating bread, and lashings of butter.

I don't deny it has been nice to just eat anything. And yes, I have been eating too much. But good thoughts here, I still really want to eat vegetables and fruit more than I want to eat chocolate, sweet stuff & processed products. Yay for better eating habits. I think it will help to stop buying these things for a while again - what isn't here, can't be eaten!

I'm still hoping for that wonderful scenario of being less than 294 lbs on Christmas Day.

I have a reunion coming up on Friday which I've promised to make a pudding. 10 people. I can't remember the last time I cooked for so many. Usually it is 4-6 at the most or I'm contributing to a buffet that others have added to. Am considering a french apple tart, pear and almond cake, tiramisu, or no fuss lemon cheesecake. The oven is a bit temperamental so perhaps it might be the fridge options. Perhaps I could try my hand at pavlova. Easy, light and plenty of fresh fruit in it, plus has wow factor. Also I'm not that keen on meringue ( too sweet ) so I won't be eating so much of it! :) Will decide tomorrow.

Picture for today is supposed to be of my best friend(s). I've realised I don't have any pictures of them! Am going to start taking more photos of my mates! I do have this though, a photo of one of them from last Christmas...


Monday, 13 December 2010

Day 111 A picture of me

It's eyelids open with matchsticks time. Urgh. Meeting in an hour, fingers x'd client will like what's been done.

I do dislike having to create at high speed. I wish clients would realise that design comes with a bit a thinking time attached which is very necessary. Hmm, the positive spin on this is, yay - we have come to a solution that they wanted, so hopefully everything will trundle along to the schedule now.

Here is a picture of me when I was 18. Probably around 160-170 lbs then. And I thought I was HUGE...! Yep, I'm dancing. I love to dance. And am looking forward to doing more of that soon. :)

Sunday, 12 December 2010

Day 110 FBP result & films I have loved

This morning the unreliable scales swung to 21 st 4 lbs, or 298 lbs. So my net loss over the last two weeks has been 7 lbs. I know where I can improve, and that's a good thing.

I set out last night to eat lots of chocolate, and amazing - I didn't. :o unheard of!! I had 6 chocolate biscuits, then felt biscuited/chocolated out. Gosh. Never before has that happened. So another new habit/taste has developed - learning when is enough. :)

Today I'm going to get started back on eating normal portions (normal as within 1800 - 2000 cals). I have found the days I liked best on the FBP were the all veggie days with the potato dinner or lunch, the meat & veg days with no carbs, and the rice & veg day with no protein. So am going to incorporate those into my new eating plan, and see what happens. Oh yes, eating soup everyday, FBP style is on the menu too.

Here's a few pictures of films I have loved. There are dozens more, these are the ones that spring to mind first.

Hmm, and a plan for before Xmas - if I do get to below 21 st or 294 lbs, I am going to get myself some perfume! If I do it after, I'll get myself some delicious bubble bath.

Saturday, 11 December 2010

Day 109 A bad thing happened that is actually a good thing

Today I did a silly thing. I left a bag of shopping - the most expensive items - at the checkout counter, and when I went back to get it, it had gone. Not been handed in. I was really upset at first, especially when the shop said there was nothing they could do. Then I thought - actually, my loss is someone's happy Xmas gain. And also, that bag contained a huge cheese - one that would no doubt have added pounds to me. :) So, even though it was a bad thing to have lost the shopping, in a small way, it is also a good thing, for my health, and a slice of good luck for someone else.

So now, I'm visualizing something great like that happening to me. A slice of unexpected luck.

And actually in a way it has. I got back from my fruitless trip to the store, and settled down to read blogs. And today Bitchcakes wrote about her becoming a runner. And that was so inspiring, and I'm thinking now, maybe I can do that too. Not run, but go for a walk perhaps tomorrow. Wayyy better than scoffing cheese!

Day 109 The Unreliable Scales say...and 3 good things

bless them, they said, you are one pound up today. :) Not 5, or 6. Only one pound. Phew!
Update: I did the stats for yesterday - total cals 3035. 

So - today I am back on the FBP. Have a heap of work to get through with crazy deadlines to map my way through. Meetings to discuss said work on Monday - eek! Luckily all of it is straightforward.

I also have my raspberries to plant. They have been waiting patiently for the weather to stop being so cold. This weekend I will be heeling them temporarily into my garden while I get on with their final place at the allotment. Some construction required!

My 3 good things:
noticeable good new habit - I now quite enjoy skim milk in my tea instead of semi-skimmed. Yay for tastebud changes!
Last night's binge fest was noticeably smaller than previous ones. I did eat a lot of cheese, about 200g worth, and quite a lot of processed bread/cracker/biscuits, but so much less than I could have done. Yay for smaller stomachs!
The negative thoughts and feelings - although I did give in to them in my usual fashion, I also tried to deal with them in other ways. So today I am feeling much more positive, and am not sunk into a depressive state and eating everything in sight. Yay for positive thinking!

Today's photos: me as a baby



Friday, 10 December 2010

Day 108 A temporary setback

I did really well until this evening, when I opened my mail and found a letter sent by one of the women from my old school. She was telling us why she couldn't come to our reunion, and detailed the wonderful life she had, and I got upset by that. At first I tried to deal with my feelings - inadequacy, regret, sadness that my life wasn't as perfect as hers, then later found myself in the kitchen scoffing sardines on toast, followed by crackers & cheese, chocolate digestives and an evening with a very sore stomach laid out on the sofa.

How to deal with this? I have to face that my life is all because of my choices. As hers is hers because of her choices. And also, she is NOT better than me, only different. And her life is no reason for me to derail my life by intemperate eating! Also - I have come to the conclusion my stomach finds it difficult to deal with such foods now. Or perhaps I am wheat sensitive, or fats sensitive. It has been hours and I still feel yukky.

I'm going to have to do some remembering, and practice some EFT on this. I refuse to have negative thoughts of this woman influencing my behaviour. I wish her well in her life, and am looking forward to seeing the other women who are coming to this reunion and hearing their stories.

Day 108 photos of my family


Day 108 a protein observation, and my cat snores

What I have found interesting about meat & veg days is that I will feel very full for a long time and then suddenly I am ravenous! Last night I ended up cooking up a load of chicken livers with spinach in olive oil & worcester sauce, instead of diving for the crackers/cheese/choccie biscuits! Yay for thinking about food choices, and making a snack based on the principles of the day - protein & veg, no carbs. The oil was necessary, and this morning, the unreliable scales told me I have lost one pound. :) I now weigh 296 lbs or 21 st 2 lbs. Heh - I am sporting a HUGE grin!

Only thing is - I've eaten what I had planned for breakfast so will have to have a rethink this the meantime I'm going to have some tea & drink some water. Eggs? Pork loin chop? More tomatoes?

I also checked my blood pressure - it is 134/89. Another big grin...

Awww - my cat is snoring. She is ensconced on her favourite seat of the moment, perched on a cushion, strategically placed on the sofa right next to the radiator... I did check online about her snoring, apparently it is okay, so long as she isn't exhibiting any other bad health signs like watery eyes, lethargy, sneezing. She is due at the vet's for her shots, so I'll get them to give her a once over too.

I just saw a funeral cortege go past. It was unusual in that there was a woman in a black suit, black boots and a hat decorated with an aigrette walking slowly in front of the the cars, in the middle of the road and this is a very busy arterial route into Oxford. We're such a hurry burry society. It is good that sometimes we're forced to slow down.

Thursday, 9 December 2010

Day 107 FBP update

Good news! I've checked the unreliable scales's verdict - it says no change. Excellent. So the three and a half G&Ts, cheesy baked potato & salad, chocolate digestive, tomato, Dr Karg's pumpkin & cheese cracker, and a smidge of basil & lime flavoured chocolate I ate off plan yesterday didn't undo the good effects of being on the FBP. My dinner came with tortilla chips which I sensibly dumped off my plate - yay for learning good new eating habits.

Speaking of learning new habits, apparently, it takes 21 days/tries to ingrain this into the brain. So, am contemplating doing the FBP for one more week to help underscore my good new habits, and to go back to a standard eating pattern for the two weeks after before getting back onto the FBP. It will also cover the holiday season & any eating excesses that might occur!

Have also had positive feedback about the project. Busy day tomorrow. :)

Today's food was back on the meat & tomatoes - so have had pork loin chops dry stir-fried on a bed of halved cherry tomatoes & watercress, and a small rump steak pan fried in 1 tsp olive oil, along with 2 halved tomatoes on a bed of watercress & spinach leaves. Also had the last of the tomato veg soup from yesterday, will make some more soup tomorrow. Feeling quite quite full, just have to get the water intake up to speed - a couple of pints before bed. Tomorrow's FBP is meat/protein & any veg plus FB soup. Have to factor in a run to the shops for fruit to juice on Saturday, and then it is back on the FBP for another week maybe. I'm going to be most pleased if I manage to lose another 3 lbs by the end of this week - getting past that 21 st/294 lbs number is looming large in my mind!

Day 107 The Loudest Band in the World and a buffet victory

I went to see Black Rebel Motorcycle Club play in Birmingham O2 Academy yesterday. I've been wanting to see them live for about 3 years, but for one reason or another haven't been able to. And this time too, it seemed like events were conspiring to derail this attempt, as the band were in Glasgow a few days ago, when Scotland had a lock-down on all transport due to extreme wintry conditions. But, they got here, a day late, and me & R, my music gigging buddy, jaunted off to see them. The hall was packed. All ages & types of people, which we really liked. And loads of CO2 fuming up onstage. Right from the very first guitar chord it was deafening! I had to laugh, it was SO loud we had to move back a bit from doing our fervent groupie impression right at the front...hehe. My ears are still deaf this morning, and although the cacophony of sound was at times a little bit unintelligible, I am so glad I finally got to see them. Next time I do manage it, I'll try and see them in a nice big open air venue. In the meantime I'll just enjoy their lovely, far better sounding CDs!

Here's a picture of them I took, from my vantage point right next to the loudspeaker... eek!

And here is a photo cribbed from somewhere else...


R & I were really chuffed to see they had a girl drummer - yay for women in rock and roll!

The next day, we had breakfast at the hotel, and the last time I did this, I ate everything in sight! This time though, I thought it through, and just had stuff I knew was good for me, and not too much of it! Scrambled eggs, marmite & butter on toast, blackcurrant jam, tea, AND I left some of the butter and jam uneaten...!! Unheard of in previous incarnations of me. I'm the eat-the-plate-clean woman. Yay for this little victory.

Am back on the FBP for the rest of this week. Tomorrow is the meeting I get feedback on the designs I did this week - it will either make, or break my weekend. I'm putting out positive vibes and visualizing a great meeting and happy clients! :)

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Day 106 FBP day 11 and a photo of someone I love

Yay! Another pound down! Sticking to the FBP principles yesterday seems to have paid off. Now 21 st 2 lbs or 296 lbs. Today's menu is meat & tomatoes, and as much FBP soup as I want - except I am going to be elsewhere this evening, so I am off-plan for this evening. I am going to try and keep within the RDA 2000 cals, and enjoy myself too.

Work seems to be going okay. I have high hopes that the overall result of this week's efforts will be positive.

Here is a photo of my sister - she is someone I love. I am okay with the idea of family love, friend love, pet love, hobby love, place love, all of those are easy and I appreciate all of that in my life. I find romantic love a difficult subject at the moment. More emotional work required! :)


Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Day 105 No change and a video that makes me laugh

I'm taking a little licence here and am posting a link to this instead of a photo. I remember when I first saw it I nearly fell off my chair!

No weight change today, but that is okay. I have eaten significantly more the last 2 days, but still much less than I have been before doing the FBP. Today is banana & milk/yoghurt day, and I am having to venture off to supermarketland this morning.

I'm also feeling slightly stressed because work is not panning out well, so a change of scene, and doing something else rather than obsessing and churning thinking about it is going to help. I have to get this right. And it is worth spending a little more thinking and fermenting/brewing/cooking-up of ideas before coming back to my drawing board & Mac.

Monday, 6 December 2010

Day 104 Work Blues and an off-plan addition

Calories today: 1502. Had a wholemeal bagel with the last of my soup this evening, not an FBP food, because I'd burned the swede I was intending to have as mash...

Has been a rather distracting day - work didn't go well, have everything to re-do tomorrow, but at least I now know what is wanted. Just hope what I deliver will meet approval. :)

And as part of my positive thinking here are 3 good things that happened today:

I made a little tent for my cat next to the radiator & got this photo of her peering out...heh.


It's been really cold and icy today. The radio has been spewing out dire traffic warnings all day. I worried that my brother & sister, who commute every day to work, might be stuck in some immense traffic jam in these conditions - but they texted me to say they were okay. :)

The gig I'm going to see has been postponed to the next day, which is great because the forecast for that day is sunny and clear, and just in case travel conditions are still bad, I've booked a hotel, so my music buddy, R, & I will have a great night out, and perhaps a beer or two, since we don't have to drive home.

Day 104 Another great weigh-in and a photo of me

Just had to post this! Am down another pound - yay! Current weight now 297 lbs or 21 st 3 lbs. I hopped on and off several times to make sure that was true, as I'd eaten offplan yesterday.

FBP day 10 - veg day. Have made some onion, bacon & celery soup. Yes, I know bacon isn't in the FBP, but I am doing what works for me. :) It will be fabulous to be 21 st exactly by the end of this week - however I do realise this week may well be challenging, as I have lots of deadlines & expectations to meet/exceed/pull magic rabbit out of hat for ;) Have spent weekend coalescing design ideas in my head, am now going to open the tap and see what comes out & hope clients will like what they get.

I'm also going to try applying the positive thinking approach to dealing with the expected stresses I may encounter this week. Let's hope for a win-win for everyone!

Photo of me from 2004. My sister & I went on one of our sister weekends - to Sussex. We wandered around Brighton and then spent a day at one of the National Trust's wonderful properties - Petworth House. I like this picture of me, even though I'm very fat, because I look so happy. :)


Sunday, 5 December 2010

Day 103 a minor setback and a helpful workshop

Day 9 was not FBP eventually. I mindlessly ate some fried doughy things & a piece of cake at the workshop this afternoon. Sometimes wanting to fit in seems to be more important than sticking up for what is right for me. Next time I will know better. I later compounded that by having some cheese with my apple. Small consolation, at least it was a 'healthy' snack, and in the final reckoning the calories stood at 2062. So. So, that shows me that this habit forming thing is not yet ingrained! More perseverance required. :) The workshop was interesting and thought-provoking, full of ideas sorting out one's wayward thoughts. Next week we will do more. What I find amazing is that all this stuff was already around except I just didn't see it. It is absolutely true, that when the student is ready, the teachers will appear.

Back on the FBP tomorrow. For now, am chilling out with some TV and contemplating getting my last two glasses of water.

Day 103 my last holiday, and FBP day 9

Hmm, this is kind of difficult because I didn't take any photos! But I can show where I went and where I stayed....

3 day voyage in Cornwall, October 2009. The best three days I've had on holiday for about 20 years! All pictures © ClassicSailing.

I had so much fun, did loads of things I never thought I'd be capable of, and was so sad when we had to go home. I'll be going back again as soon as I am fit and agile enough again.

Looking at these images has given me added impetus to staying on the FBP. I thought this morning that maybe I could just have a bowl of cereal for breakfast...but I didn't. I had my celeriac soup, and now I've had some smashed boiled potatoes with 18g of butter and quarter of boiled cabbage. Sounds unappetizing, but trust me, mixed up together it becomes colcannon - an irish dish. Normally served with heaps and heaps of butter, I found that the small amount I had used was sufficient with lots of pepper and a modicum of sea salt.

This afternoon I'm on a course about positive thinking at the Global Retreat Centre at Nuneham Courtenay. It is run by the Baba Kumaris,, and is a very serene place to be. I like going there occasionally for the tranquillity,, and I do find their ideals quite appealing. However, I still have not managed to meditate, even once! Maybe today?

Saturday, 4 December 2010

Day 102 Another soup and forward projections

I can't help it. Whenever I do really well at something, I immediately start making forward projections based on the performance of the last week, day, month, and completely forget about factoring in delays, drawbacks, regression, no-shows. I've done this with figuring out my projected income in the past and ended up paying a hefty tax bill in a year I could have done without...perhaps I might have a think about that scenario and re-cast my projection for weight-loss. Currently my thinking is that I might be able to get to around 220 lbs in 6 - 8 months. Which would be amazing, and totally fabulous, and I want to do that! It also means at that weight I will have much more confidence in my agility and balance, so going sailing might be a possibility, plus I will be able to fit into all my foul weather sailing gear easily. Now that's something to aim for. Reaching 220 lbs reward - a sailing trip.

As I have found, it isn't so cut and dried as eat less, move more. There is all the mental gymnastics to be sorted out first, and often that is the hardest part. This past week, the mental stuff has been going great, which is excellent. This week though I've already started making a few more modifications, which in the small way is allright, so long as I keep it small.

Today I decided to opt out of the supermarket run, and just go with what was left in the fridge until it has all gone, then start thinking about buying more food. The theory being that I am also watching my budget, and I know that whenever I go shopping for food I generally end up with too much. I did have to throw away some plums which was sad, and I don't want to do that again. I raided the storecupboard for fruity things instead, so calorifically this day is much the same as the last fruit day, a little less than 1400.

Soup making: 2 soups ended up in the pot today. The curried cauli also had brussels sprouts, potato & green beans in it. Then I decided to make a celeriac soup, with bacon. And this one ended up with more olive oil in it - 1 tbsp. So instead of being a fat-burner soup it is just a low cal soup. A serving, 1 bowl, approx 2 cups is 146 cals.

I'm thinking here, that if I'm going to modify the soups so they are more calorific, then I had better start doing a little more movement. Cleaning the house will be a good one. Heaving stuff up to the loft even better!

I'm going to make tomorrow a fruit & veg day, that will clear out all the perishables, and means I can start with a clean & empty fridge to restock on Monday. I like this idea.

I was looking through some other stats documents, and found that at the end of December 2009, I weighed 19 st 12 lbs, or 278 lbs. It would be excellent to achieve that weight again as a first major goal, especially as it will also be approx 10% of my starting weight lost. A good one to shoot for as a birthday present to me :)

Time to make a list of goals to tick off as I reach them!

Day 102 A photo that makes me happy

This photo makes me feel really happy. I spent a lot of hours there this summer, just chilling out with my cat. My garden was a wilderness for many years - kind of a symptom of the rest of my life. I had this plan tacked up on my kitchen wall for years of what I wanted to create, and had bought all the materials but never gotten around to doing anything (that action thing!). Then my lovely ex (see below) transformed it for me this summer. He's a star, and the kindest man I know. Everyone should have someone like him in their life, and spend time making others happy like he does, just because he can.


Day 102 FBP week 2 and a great weigh- in

Hurray! The unreliable scales told me I was 21 stone and 4 lbs this morning. I am now 1 stone less than I was on 14 Sept this year, when I weighed 22 stone 4 1/2 lbs.

I have sloughed off 7 lbs this week - an amazing feat!
Now to focus on getting another 7 lbs off before Christmas. And I think I'll get myself some new perfume for getting to that goal. :) Best time to get it too - the shops are full of the stuff!

I was watching a TV psychology programme yesterday about Body Language, talking about the euphoria of winning. And how it is closely linked to the well-being feelings we get after amazing sex. Well - winning this week has certainly made me feel euphoric, and I want to do it again!

Other great pointers the programme listed about becoming a winner, an achiever, a success - fix small goals and achieve them; research & do the leg-work and practice, practice, practice; act as if, be confident, be positive; see failures as stepping stones/markers to try doing things another way; visualize self in the successful outcome. I like that last one especially. I'm going to be imagining myself in all those situations I want to be in. 

What is interesting too to me, is this: I already KNOW all this stuff, in the abstract. But it has just been words, which I've dimly understood the meaning of, but, I DO comprehend exactly. Those words REALLY paint a picture, REALLY shine light on the scene. It is like I've been groping around in the dark with a dim flashlight, and now I've replaced the batteries and I can SEE!

I have control over what happens in my life. What I can make changes in, direct, manage, have responsibility for, I will. What I can't, I'll leave. And most of all, stop worrying about things I cannot change and make me feel unhappy, and focus on the positive, and the stuff that makes me feel happy.

FBP Week 2 Day 1 started off well - I had pink grapefruit and a couple of satsumas for breakfast. And I've had 2 pints of water already. I think today I'll be drinking roobios tea with milk - I've run out of my rosehip tea. Hmm, that could necessitate a trip to Uhuru this week - a great little organics foodshop in Cowley Road. They do a huge range of teas.

It's curried cauliflower soup & lots of fruit on the menu today. It has warmed up a bit now, so I'm off to get ready for the day, wrap up warm and venture out to the supermarket jungle!

Friday, 3 December 2010

Day 101 FBP week 1 review

Well, I've done it. Stuck, more or less to a eating plan for a whole week, all by myself. I'm giving myself a great big pat on the back and a massive hug for getting through this week so well. Yes - there was a little creativity going on, and interpretations when I couldn't get the exact thing specified. On the whole though, the cumulative efforts of the week has resulted in a decent weight-loss, which I will post tomorrow. I'm hoping to be exactly one stone less now than I was at the first weigh in I had three months ago. That, Santa, will be an awesome early Xmas prezzie!

Speaking of creativity - tonight's dinner called for mushrooms to be braised in stock and added to a rice salad I'd made earlier. No fungi anywhere, so I got creative and subbed a cupful of quorn mince. Which at 92 calories per 100g (and a cup is about 50g) was a pretty good substitute. Quorn is mycoprotein, so technically that is fungi... So I had a delicious kind of soupy mince thing, almost but not quite a risotto - full of garlic & lemon, chopped carrots, green beans & white rice. No, I haven't quite inured myself to the joys of wholegrain rice...although I do like wild rice, and camargue rice which is kind of red. Hmm.

I've drunk lots of fruit & veg juice today. I quite like it, and think I'll be drinking lots more of that in the future. I particularly like how carrots make a huge amount of juice. Have a feeling my produce bill is going to be even bigger than normal! Calories come to approx 900. I'm uncertain of how to calculate the juices so am guessing at half their normal calories of whole fruit/veg. Even if I'm off by 100%, it won't make a huge difference.

One good side-effect of doing this week - I'm feeling far more confident in myself, and in my ability to do other stuff. So there's a few things I'm going to get going on now before the end of the year, and hopefully the results will be just as awesome as this week has been :)

Tomorrow am back on the day 1 of the FBP or rather the day 8 - which is a fruit day. Handy as I've a few things rattling around in that fruitbowl that require demolishing. Think I'll make another curried soup - that was my fave one of the week. That and the courgette & tomato one. heh - better go get in an extra pint of water - yay, drunk all my 4 pints already! and hop off for a nice sleep. Energetic day ahead.

Day 101 Juicer struggles, a great weigh-in and 1 year ago

Today is the last day of the first week of the FBP - juicer day. I get to consume as much fruit & veg from the plan's 'negative' calorie list I can process into juice. So perhaps today is kind of like an Innocent Smoothies day. Got a lot of bananas left over from day 4, which might be nice squooshed up with freshly juiced oranges. Of which I have exactly none, so a trip to the supermarket might be on the horizon.

The downside about today's breakfast - carrot & apple juice, was dismantling the dratted juicer! It is a whole fruit one, and is enormous. I haven't used it in 3 years & forgot where I put the manual, and was faced with how to take out the centrifugal mesh bit in the middle...getting that sorted, researched, and fiddled around until success took the better part of an hour and MUCH frustration. all endeavors, it finally came to a conclusion, and in this case, a good one. I now know how to operate, dismantle, clean and reassemble the gargantuan machine that is taking up valuable counter space in my tiny kitchen! The juice it makes is yummy too.

Another success: the unreliable scales told me this morning that I was 299 lbs! Yay! Swoops of rah-rahs going on in my head! Less than 300 lbs!

That result makes me so happy I didn't give in to my impulses yesterday - to eat non FBP foods. I had some prawns I'd planned on having for dinner, but no veggies that actually went with it (in my hide-bound tasty meals ideas) so I nearly succumbed to having pasta. But as I was in the kitchen opening the cupboard I asked myself: "do you REALLY want to sabotage this week by doing that? You're getting to eat carbs tomorrow anyway, and so far, following the plan has gotten the lbs off." And I realised that actually it was worth it to stick to the plan. Spaghetti can wait. I come first! Or rather my health comes first over my tastebuds!

I'm listing my foodstuffs for yesterday, a protein & veg day, because of some good food combos which I might want to repeat when I'm not on the FBP:
chicken breast, pan-fried with sliced mushrooms in 17g butter (butter was off plan), rosehip tea
chopped romaine lettuce with dijon mustard dressing (1 tsp each balsamic vinegar, olive oil, dijon mustard) and two hard-boiled eggs
more borscht - this time liquidized and with 1 tbsp half-fat creme fraiche stirred in
platter of julienned carrots, cauliflower florets and chopped romaine lettuce with a tablespoon of dijon mustard to dip (this was particularly satisfying to eat, but next time I might mix the mustard with something else - like honey & balsamic vinegar)
chicken oxo drink
140g prawns cooked with a tin of tomatoes, 1 tsp olive oil, and a ground up fresh chilli, half tsp seasalt, half a tsp bottled lemongrass paste, a tsp of tom yum paste and a couple of cloves of garlic. That was kind of a cross between a soup and a stew, and tasted really good. Next time I'll makes sure I have some coriander to mix in, and maybe some watercress or spinach. Cat was VERY happy - she got her share too - unadulterated by sauce...
Total calories: 1046
I also drank all 4 pints of water for the day. :)

And this morning, a great result!

For the photo-sharing - this is me from 1 year ago. I'm at the Birmingham Art Gallery, and the picture I'm standing next to is one of those illusive things, like Escher drawings, that make you wonder exactly what you are looking at...


Thursday, 2 December 2010

Day 100!! A centenary of blogging days!

Wow! I am so amazed and chuffed with myself! heh - and it feels so good to say this, as far as doing the blogging goes, I'm doing really well. :)

I am so not used to praising myself, that negative voice inside of me that tells me "I am not good enough", "I'll never live up to expectations", "why try you'll only fail" etc etc has been a constant in my life for a loooong time. But...over the last couple of years I have worked hard at replacing that inner voice with one that says:
"Yes!, You can do this!"
"You're a wonderful person!"
"I'm fabulous, and anyone who has me in their life is very lucky!"
"Try it! You never know, you might succeed!"
"Look at all the stuff you've done! You rock!"

hehe. :D
I wish there was a way to incorporate big smileys on here.

Another good thing this morning: the unreliable scales said I am exactly 300 lbs today! Ooooh! And my BMI is now under 50...yay!

Was just reading Alexia's blog Dimple Snatcher (Hi Alexia, your blog makes me smile!) & I'm going to join in the photo posting for the next 29 days.

This is my current facebook photo. And funnily enough it was taken a year ago too! :)

This picture was taken on a barge that had been turned into a restaurant/cafe in Birmingham, UK. Birmingham has lots of canals - it was (and still is) a big industrially important centre. I was there with my friend, G to see a wonderful amazing guitar duo from Mexico (via Eire) - Rodrigo y Gabriela, the day before at the Birmingham O2. That was a really great midweek trip for the both of us, she even persuaded me to have a go on a fairground carousel at the German Christmas market - me, who thinks I'm too enormous & too heavy for stuff like that... G is a fabulous person & I'm so glad she's one of my friends.

A reminder of the list:
day 1. your facebook profile photo 
day 2. a photo of yourself a year ago 
day 3. a photo that makes you happy 
day 4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday 
day 5. a photo of you 
day 6. a photo that makes you laugh 
day 7. a photo of someone you love 
day 8. a photo of your favourite band/musician 
day 9. a photo of your family 
day 10. a photo of you as a baby 
day 11. a photo of your favourite film(s) 
day 12. a photo of you 
day 13. a photo of your best friend(s) 
day 14. a photo of one of your favourite family members 
day 15. a photo of you and someone you love
day 16. a photo of you at the last party you went to
day 17. a photo of one of your classes
day 18. a photo of you on a school trip 
day 29. a photo of something you enjoy doing 
day 20. a photo of you standing up 
day 21. a photo of your town 
day 22. a photo of your friend as a baby 
day 23. a photo of you that your hair looks nice in 
day 24. a photo of a night you loved
day 25. a photo of your favorite weekend
day 26. a photo of last summer
day 27. a photo of what you ate today
day 28. a photo of someone you find attractive
day 29. a photo of you when you were happy

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Day 99 FBP day 5 & Snow, snow, but not much here

The good thing about doing the FBP is that I am really getting to know what foods my body seems to like lots of, and what makes it feel odd/sluggish/upset. So far it has done really happily on veggie days, mixed fruit & veg days, not so good on all fruit days, positively disliked banana & milk/yoghurt day, and although the tastebuds said yeahhh! to steak & tomatoes day, right now I'm feeling like my gut is backed up to my throat from all that meat!

Quite possibly, the water consumption factor affects it all. Less water days, more sluggish. More water days, chirpier! Will find out for sure next week, when I do the plan all over again. :)

My lovely sister called - she is snowed in up North! Had to shovel off a foot of snow from the top of her car this morning and a couple of hours to dig it out of the driveway...but to no avail, roads still blocked in Yorkshire. And it is snowing again...I love living in the UK, but it never ceases to amaze me how unprepared we always seem to be to our variable weather! You'd think because we get all sorts we ought to be au fait with it all, but every, single, time, we get caught with our pants down... I've had a smattering of snow here, so tomorrow, after doing some urgent work stuff, I'm toddling out to the park to make some snow prints, and get some fresh air. Fabulous as it is to be warm and cosy, it is also great to be out and although chilled, getting warm exercising!

Food calories today were 1370. Tomorrow is a meat & vegetables day, more like normal eating. I'm having chicken & prawns instead of steak :) And Friday will be eating carbs - 3 oz of rice is specified, along with lots of veggies and lots of freshly squeezed fruit & veg juice. Might get that juicer out of the cobwebbed corner it has been living in for the last 2 years!

Day 99 Ruby Ruby...

I've been cooking this afternoon, making soup. Mostly to get myself back into a nice serene calm frame of mind. As I suspected, the project has gone backwards a few steps, and I am submitting more visuals at the end of this week...and...we're aiming to wrap it up in 2 weeks. Yikes!

Good thing then that today is a steak & tomatoes day. My brain is going to need all that protein to work efficiently! Hmm, or is it glucose that it needs?

A habit victory today - had to get some change for the parking, and nipped into my local shop. I hovered over the confectionery counter, thinking - mmm, chocolate... then remembered the FBP! So instead of a biscuit covered in milk chocolate I got polo mints (I loathe chewing gum). Yes, it has sugar in it. And I have eaten 3 and left the rest of the roll in my bag. Score! :)

I'm making borscht - or a variation of it anyway, according to FBP principles. Hmm, just had a worried thought about beetroot, but it is okay, it IS a negative calorie food. So I am going to have ruby red soup this evening! Ohh, that snatch of an 80s song is running through my head now: "Ruby, Ruby, when will you be mine..."

It's by Donald Fagen, and gosh I remember that record sleeve too. Long gone now...

Oh yes, weighed self this morning and am 301 lbs. Darn. So close to being less than 300 lbs...

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Day 98 Five bananas, no more!

The FBP says I can eat up to 8 bananas. Frankly I don't understand how anyone can! I've managed to stuff down 5 today, but really, all I wanted to eat was soup. Soup is tasty!

Today's soup-making was curried cauliflower. Lovely and spicy, and with some spinach leaves wilted into it, totally gorgeous to look at, smell, and taste. And I had 170g of 0% Fage Total Greek Yoghurt. I am never buying supermarket brand Greek yoghurt again - there just is no comparison... My modifications to the banana/milk day was a tablespoon of honey (illegal carbs/hi GI, no doubt) but despite that & half a pint of semi-skimmed milk, total calories were 1327. Drank my 4 pints of water too - yay!

I've made a dent in the project. Decided to go with what people have seen and not throw a spanner into the works. There just isn't time to redo it in a new style. Early up tomorrow to email it out to everyone. Tired and sleepy now.

Tomorrow is steak & tomatoes day. Now that, I'm looking forward to! :D

Day 98 Frittering... and FBP day 4

I'm having one of those days - procrastinating & frittering, putting off, and 'doing other things' instead of what I am supposed to be doing...

Hmm. Needless to say (but am saying it! Doh - Queen of the Obvious :s) I have a looming deadline, and I know what I have to do, but... I -  cannot -  seem -  to - make - myself - do -  it !!!

It is a because I have had a sudden doubt that the direction I had been pursuing in this project is the right one. I've been happily bowling along this line, and with generous feedback of 'oh, how lovely it looks' etc, I have tamped down my gut feeling that perhaps there is too much styling going on, and I haven't paid enough attention to the usability of what I've been proposing.

Hence the fiddling, and putting off, and thinking about it but not actually doing anything just yet about it methodology. Days like this I wonder why I decided to become a designer...sometimes I wish for a solution that is either or, 1 or 0, binary choice, yes or no, cut and dried. I'm smiling wryly at myself at this mad thought - I know that would drive me barmy! My entire life is lived on fuzzyness.

Yesterday's calorie total was 773. Pretty amazing when I think I had a big plate of brussel sprouts, dwarf beans & mushrooms stirfried in a tsp of sunflower spread & 4 tsp of wholegrain & dijon mustard plus a baked potato with 10g of butter... and 2 bowls of soup. Guess I just wasn't very hungry. Wierd. I'm always hungry! But maybe what I used to think of as hunger was only 'see food, eat food' urgings?

Food today is most uninteresting. Maybe that is adding to the unsettledness of the day. Bananas & milk. Except I cannot 'drink' milk on its own anymore, so I've substituted fat-free greek yoghurt at 52 calories per 100g. Banana milkshake for breakfast with a dsp of honey. Had to force that down, when usually I love milkshake. The soup though has been yummy - I  made tomato & courgette soup, enhanced with 2 tsp of pesto & the usual complement of onion, celery & carrot for bulk & flavour, with a generous handful of spinach leaves to wilt in the heat before I eat it. A beautiful bowl. :)

Ugh - more bananas now. Usually I like bananas but these are just on the green side and not quite ripe, so they have that bitter aftertaste. Next week I'll buy them a day earlier so they'll be perfect eating on banana day. :) After all if bananas are all I'm getting, they might as well be the nicest yummiest ones I can have!

Hmm, think I'll have some more soup instead & the bananas later.

Monday, 29 November 2010

Day 97 Wise Words

I was just over at "Escape from Obesity", and Lyn was talking about making mistakes and fitting into our own moulds and not anyone else's definitions of who they think we ought to be. She also mentioned eating as addictive behaviour. And that definitely is something I do - witness these last few weeks of 'having to' do this, that or something that derailed my weight-loss journey. :) Anyway, all that reminded me of this great poem I came across last year, when I was truly in the slough of despond, and like some other inspirational writings I'll post later, this has a special place in my heart. It reminds me that I can change, that it is okay to fear change, to fall, to feel foolish, to pick myself up and get up again, to keep on doing some of the irrational things I do, day it will be easy to do the right thing, the considered thing, the non-addictive thing. :) One day I will do all this without agonizing, overthinking, obsessing. One day, eating well is going to be just like my being a non-smoker, it just is.

Here's the poem.
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

~ Portia Nelson ~

(There's a Hole in My Sidewalk)