Friday, 12 November 2010

Day 80 Night Terrors

It is amazing how quickly a mind's emotional balance can shift. By midnight last night I had created this huge monster of emotional neediness in my head, with all the attendant negative worst case scenarios I could think of to embellish it, further exacerbating my depressive state. I held out for a short while, then succumbed again to the lure of carbohydrates - my drug of choice - bread products. Luckily there was still a little smidge of sane thought left in my head, so every midnight bite was weighed, quantified, and measured. :) I am laughing now at my anxious last night self - obviously I have at least ingrained a new habit into my life! The extra calories were 1242.

I just had a thought about this - maybe it is hormonally related? Checking back to Day 51 (approx 30 days ago) I find that that was a post entitled The Fall - and I've said:
"Sometimes I wonder if have have manic depression. Some days I'm so gung ho, and everything GOES so well, and then there are days like today when all I can do is crawl into the cave and hide.

Along with the contents of my fridge, my larder, my freezer..."


Okay.
Now I don't feel so bad about last night, and today is a new day. I'm going to plan my eating now for the rest of the day, and incorporate my new week's challenge - every day 20 minutes walking, 32 laps swimming, and 1800 calorie bank.

I know I am not good at absolutist thinking, and the wriggler in me that always says - what about having choices? and I hate rules! and you're not the boss of me! That stompy teenager that has never grown up is shouting in my head now. Got to sit down and tell her that I love her, and that my allowing her to make choices for me has gotten me into this state - 300lbs and unfit. And now I have to be adult me, and take responsibility, and make adult choices. And to tell her, I still love her, and when we are further along on this journey and seeing real results she will be SO pleased! :)

Right - off to get ready for this new day. Last night is history, and the past. Time to move on.

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