It has felt, over the last few months, rather like I was sinking into a dark, dank, well. I guess this must have been some emotional cycle I was in. Lately though, I've been feeling more aware that life is passing me by. And that through my own choices I am mouldering and festering in this current rut.
This week I travelled voluntarily to see friends, something I have refrained from doing for quite some time. It reminded me that I have some wonderful friends, and that being with them is energizing, even of all we do is chat and drink tea.
I've also splashed out on some art materials. This is to explore that creative side that has gone into hiding. As my friend put it, creating something purely for myself opens up a plethora of possibilities - paint? pastels? pencils? print? Should it be big, tiny, small, enormous? Very colourful? Restrained? I have no one to please but myself. No criteria to achieve except to do something that I find interesting. No cut off point. No deadline. No one else's opinion is necessary except mine.
What I want is to feel absorbed. To get so into what I am doing that time ceases to matter. To feel happy. To be enthusiastic. To be excited by what I am doing. To explore an avenue simply because. I might also do some creative stuff on the computer. Get away from the idea that anything digital is work.
The sun has come out. It has been raining on and off all day. I've got another friend coming to visit today. And for the first time in weeks, I'm actually enjoying just being here at home. I'm not hiding. The curtains are open. There's been fresh air flowing through the opened windows this morning.
For the first time in weeks I feel happy.
Oh yes, another happy thought - my apple tree has outdone itself this year. It is laden with exquisite red fruit. I think they are Cox. Such joy, to pick it fresh off the tree. Hmm, I wonder if the supermarket will let me have one of their fruit trays so I can store mine?