new personal best!

Heh!

I swam seventy laps this morning.
yep. seven - oh. :)

I'm just so totally amazed at what I can do. Yay for my perseverance!

Day off from swimming tomorrow, Sunday perhaps I'll swim 30 laps to keep those muscle fibres in line.

Gosh, I just am smiling all over, inside and out!

A day at the beach

Picnic & swim at Telok Batek, May 2011

 

Thanks to lovely Stacia at swimming it off, I have the courage to post this here.

I had this pic taken last weekend on a beach in Malaysia. I was out on a picnic with my mum and her friend, neither of which like water, getting into the sea or swimming!

But I got into my suit under a sarong on the beach, and trekked off into the sea amidst a load of young people, who amazingly to me didn't comment once on my size or even pay me much attention, which was great. Yay for the self-confidence to do this - I certainly wouldn't have attempted this last year despite being smaller then! The undercurrents are a little treacherous in this area of the world, as the beach shelves very quickly so swimming out to sea wasn't an option, but treading water for about 40 minutes and a little leisurely breast-stroke was do-able. And gosh, were my arm and shoulder muscles sore the next day!

It's lovely and sunny here, and I get to use the pool at my mum's condo most days which is great. The last three weeks of swimming have paid off already - I wore a top yesterday that was tight around the hips two months ago - hurrah!

Still no idea what I weigh, and actually it doesn't matter. What counts is that my general outlook is positive and happy, and that I eat healthy stuff on the whole, and that my body likes to move. I've decided to focus instead on how much smaller my waist and hips are becoming, and dropping dress sizes :)

Still missing my dad - mum & me talk about him often which is really good. I allowed myself to feel my feelings of grief yesterday and indulged in a few tears, and kept away from the fridge. Self-help reading this week: Women, Food and God, by Geneen Roth.

Tropical days

Happy Mother's Day! I'm spending a month with my mum in lovely super-warm Malaysia. My mum hates to cook, so I'm on kitchen detail which is great. My mum has been really pleased with my efforts so far - some great salads and pasta and soup.

I'm also swimming. The condo has a pool, fringed with palms and exotic huge plants. I go down there in the mornings when the sun is just breaking out over the pool, so part of it is in the hot sunshine and part of it is still in the shade. Last week I managed a 40 minute, a 50 minute and a 12 lap session that was terminated by rain - yay for me.

I don't know how much I weigh right now. All I am trying to do is to eat as well as possible and to keep doing exercise whenever I can. One plus to me so far is that I've refrained from my usual gorge on all my favourite Malaysian delicacies. Mum & I have instead opted for getting ourselves a huge amount of fruit - mangosteen, longan, papaya, watermelon, grapes, mangoes, guava, durian, pears, oranges and apples. My mum also loves junk food, by which I mean stuff like sweets, peanut brittle, bombay mix, tapioca crisps, prawn crackers, fried nuts, murukku etc, so the house always has this stuff which is a big temptation for me. I've allowed myself to eat them this past week, however this coming week I'm going to get with the eat fruit instead, or drink some water plan instead of reaching for those crunchy munchies!

Perhaps tomorrow I'll do a walk as well as swim. :)

Weight update

23 stone 6 lbs on the scales today.

This morning I woke up and I thought, I've got to do something to help myself in the eating stakes. So, I poured a whole, unopened half pint carton of double cream from the weekend down the sink. It reminded me of the time I gave up smoking, when I cut my remaining cigarettes in half and soaked them in water.

In giving up smoking, in Feb 2005, it took me about a year to completely give up. I backslid. Sneaked the odd fag when I went out, which luckily wasn't that often. Back in 2005 I started a diet with Slimming World in Sept and my weight then was recorded as 22 st 5 lbs. I'm pretty positive I had been bigger in 2004. But still. Right now I'm a whole stone bigger, yikes.

Well, it has taken me all of two hours to backslide again. I've just eaten a whole load of crackers with butter & roulé. However, I'm not going to beat myself up about this. What I'm going to do is go swimming at lunchtime instead, and enjoy the experience. Cool water, seeing the sky through the skylights as I do backstroke - maybe the sun will come out. And in between this morning, I'm doing a little gardening. That flower/veg bed isn't going to make itself! And even if it isn't perfectly put together, I don't think the seeds and plants will mind - they'll just be happy to be in the soil, nurtured by water and raring to pop their little noses out into the big wide world!

Yes - I've realised that I put a lot of stuff off by imagining it needs to be perfectly done to be done. Not so. Lots of stuff can be pulled together and work on just a wing and a prayer. The important thing is that I do it. So pouring the cream out was a good thing. Eating crackers is fine - it is fuel for the day - this activity filled day I'm now planning. The most important thing is that I feel good about everything I do. Nothing is intrinsically bad, only the feelings I attach to it.

Those crackers & cheese tasted really good. My tummy feels fine. I'm no longer hungry. It is 10 am now. Adult lengths session starts at 12 noon, so I'll be moseying up the hill around then, with another little enjoyable pitstop after to change my library books. Filling my day with activities and treats that I like will make doing the stuff I don't enjoy so much easier to do. Like tidying up, and vacuuming.

And if I fill my head with other stuff then those crackers won't be calling my name so insistently!

Swim first

I swam this weekend, for the first time since November last year. And I am so pleased with myself, because I swam 32 lengths of 25m, then, because my athletic friend was with me and wanted to continue for longer, I swam another 10 lengths, one of which was front crawl - a stroke I almost never do because I find the breathing a little restrictive.

I did it though, and got up there by practicing a few strokes in the breaststroke length I was doing beforehand. Psyching myself up. Focusing on feeling my arm movement. Concentrating on breathing evenly, and telling myself, yes, you're doing this, and yes, you're doing just fine, and yes, you DO have enough air.

I'm amazed at what I can do. I was on a little happiness vibe for the rest of the day. And that was in addition to the fact I had visitors for the Bank Holiday weekend - two people very dear to me, my ex - him of athletic friendship now, and my only brother. It was wonderful to have people with me. To prepare food for a sunny afternoon barbecue, to cook a yummy lunch for them, to have conversation and companionship.

My father died last month, after a short stay fighting to stay alive in hospital. His heart finally gave out. I miss him, but I'm also glad it was a fast ending, with just a few hours at the end when he was no longer aware of my mother and sister who were at his bedside. I'm glad he was his usual autocratic self, right up to the end, compos mentis to the very last. I'm glad he had a good death. I'm glad I made my peace with him a few years before. I'm glad we finished on a good note between us - Daddy & I often had a rocky relationship, much as we loved each other.

I'm not sure what grief stage I'm in right now. I'm pottering around, getting the garden in shape, doing not very much. Watching things grow. Enjoying the company of my cat. Feeling sad now and then, but getting on with living. Which is good. If this has happened a few years ago, when my emotional outlook was less positive I am sure it would have had a much worse effect on me. Instead of which I am looking on the positives, the gains I made with my relationship with my parents, the mending of them, and the fun times we had both in the long ago past and the recent past. I'm glad a couple of years ago I made the effort to really talk with my dad who was never very communicative, I believe we said everything that was needful between us and things were as good as they could be when he died.

I'm spending a month with my mother, so she will not be alone without family. All of her children and siblings live in other parts of the world. She can't fly due to ill-health herself. And she has a good, busy, friendship-filled and happy life where she is. And being there has the additional benefit of a change of scene for me, an opportunity to kick-start my health journey again.

I did the free BUPA online health age check, just out of interest. Eeek! I am 67! But the good news is, if I improve my nutrition, exercise every day, AND lose weight I can reduce it by 27 years...
:)

I love optimism. I love the 'so, you're in not such a good place right now, but hey, you can fix that' attitude. It is empowerment. It is something that can be changed. Change is good. Life is change. Self-care is always good. Doing nice small things for myself and my environment every day. Like sitting in my garden, pottering around, reading great thought-provoking books, having interesting conversations with friends and family, stroking my cat and playing with her, being mindful about what I say, do and eat.

This was the blog entry I read today by wellness coach, Christine Inge. I think, we can't always control every facet of this river of life we're on, but we can certainly direct it, divert it, and use its momentum to carry us to places we want to be and places we will find most interesting. The best thing I can do now is improve my health and live life fully and well. My current weight is 23 st 4 lbs. Let's see what this summer brings.

Healthy Hearts

I'm doing a lot of thinking about hearts right now. My dad is in hospital, again, and needs another bypass. He's had five already, since the early 1990s. We are all very worried and hope he will pull through.

This kind of crisis though, could have been mitigated if my father had been the kind of person to take advice! I love him dearly, and yes, I do sympathize that many of his favourite foods/activities were denied him because of his failing health. Maybe he decided life was no fun without 'yummy' food and salt, and that is his perogative. I wish he wasn't suffering so much now though. It is a sad thing when one has to see one's parents activities as a dire warning.

I'm trying to see all this through an objective lens, as thinking about it in personal terms fills me with fear - of his dying, of not being there in time to support my mum through this, of feeling so helpless. Now isn't the time to be succumbing to weeping and wailing, because it does no good.

Seems to me like the whole world is full of unhappy happenings these few weeks. I was greatly saddened and shocked by the aftereffects of the Japanese tsunami - my heart goes out to all those touched by that disaster, too. Donating to the Red Cross is a very good thing, and I strongly encourage people to do so. It might not seem much, but every little helps when it is multiplied by thousands and millions of kind souls.

On a more personal note, this month has been awful, healthwise for me. I've had 3 bouts with either the common cold or some strain of vigorous influenza, coupled with having to meet critical deadlines. Yes, me and the rest of the world both! I know I am not the only person suffering viral transgressions, however it amazes me how something of little medical note has the ability to take the stuffing out of me!

My weight has increased to 321lbs - a big high. I know I am not going to enjoy the flight to be with my parents - this big bottom squashed into a tiny seat is definitely no fun. I will take every opportunity to walk about and sit at the back whenever possible.

So, am back to thinking about hearts. With heart disease a definite indicator in my family, that is a huge red flag to me to get my weight under control. I have been planning my spring fitness campaign - no reason to delay it, and every reason to start is right now. Exercise will keep me busy and keep me from worrying myself sick.

All set now, just have to get the moggie settled and then I'm off. I'm EFTing for my dad, and asking the universe to keep him safe. If it is his time to go, I will be happy for him, because he has had a good long life and done many things that he has enjoyed.

On yer bike!

I've been able to cycle since I was a really small child. Growing up in Malaysia where the weather was ultra hot, and with over-protective parents kind of nixed being adventurous on a bike though, so I happily trundled my way around on a big tarmac driveway in big circles, flanked by our dogs with waving tails. We had one bike, with stabilizers, between the three of us.

Then when I was 6 or 7 we moved to a house on a hilly housing estate, which dad deemed safe enough for us to zip around by ourselves without adult supervision, and that was great. My dad bought my brother a chopper, and when he went to boarding school my sis & I got our hands on the bike. I'd cycle a route that took me past houses of people my family knew, houses that had interesting plants near their gates, one house that had millions of pots of chillies!!!, another with a huge prickly cactus like some kind of threatening monster...oh yes, and there was also a house which had attack Yorkies euuwww! Not my fave animal. But cycling was always fun, always an adventure, even if I never got the scabbed knees and spectacular falls my sis did (she was a fan of going fast)

Then I went to school in England, and we walked everywhere. In pairs. My parents moved again, to another town ripe for exploration, so when us kids were home for the holidays, I nagged my dad for a bike, since he had gotten himself one for fitness. So I got the Big Green Machine - a wonderful sit up and beg bike, with a wonderful three gears! I think it came from India. It weighed a ton! But it had massive wheels, and when I cycled anywhere in it, it was like I was flying. That was when I realised cycling was more than just fun, it was independence, the power to choose where I went, and when.

As I got older, at every stage of my life, a bike has eased my path eventually. At Uni, I had a beaten up old no gear relic with reverse pedals for stopping - peeling blue paint, and a bell - Bertha was great because I could safely leave her outside the lecture halls and on the streets and know that she'd still be there to come back to...she took me on some fun adventures with my friends, got me home safe after nights out floating in a sea of alcohol, and it was with some regret that I finally traded her in for a swanky tourer on the advice of the then boyfriend, a keen cyclist.

That was a beautiful bike. I spent an absolute fortune on her - as much as I'd spent on my hi-fi system! Yikes! She was the lady who took me on my greatest cycling adventure, the 27 miles to Oxford. I regret to say I moaned the whole way there, fitness enthusiast I wasn't! But after that baptism of fire, I settled down to 6 -15 mile journeys quite comfortably, usually involving pitstops at pubs. Inevitably, she got stolen one day, and I mourned her dreadfully. After that, I got myself another old banger to see out Uni days, a red hand painted frame that had spent 20 years so the seller told me mouldering in the shed...

The Rattletrap was an excellent bike - she looked like shite, but rode like a dream, even though she wasn't any sort of carbonfibre superdooper melange. A great, reliable 10 speed. When I started work in a town I commuted to by train, she was the bike I rode the 10 minutes to the station, heaved onto the guardsvan, and then hopped onto for the five minutes to my workplace. By this time I'd learned proper strategies to minimize bike disappearance with a couple of stout locks and always looking for an immovable object to clamp my darling to.

I moved to the town I now live in and carried on cycling everywhere. It was just second nature. Even when I eventually bought a car, I still cycled to work every day - it really was quicker! The traffic problems we had 20 years ago were dreadful, even commuting by bus was a no-no, as the buses got snarled up in the general mayhem. So cycling it was. Every day. Just under 4 miles there and back, plus any other excursions I might do lunchtimes, or extra trips on weekends or the odd evening out. The car was for visiting my boyfriend on weekends - initially still living in my old Uni town, then at his Uni town over in Wales. On one memorable occasion I plonked the bike in the back and we cycled to Castell Coch, a fairytale 19th century castle! A Disney precursor, it was the Bute family weekend cottage...!!

Finally, I started making a little extra cash doing freelance work on the side, so I bought myself my lovely Dawes Hybrid - currently languishing in my dining room. I cycled every day for 10 years. Then I went fully freelance, bought a new car, decided I needed to look 'smart' ie not be doffing cycling helmet & various cycling paraphernalia wherever I went to see clients, so cycling stopped being a regular thing, and just became something I did on weekends, then less and less.

I really do think that stopping cycling was one of the factors in my huge weight gain. I've always been a chunky girl, always been around 20-30 lbs bigger than the norm even at my smallest. But even at 17, 18, 19st I was still able to get where I needed to go on my own steam. I walked a lot. I went to dance classes. I cycled. I went to the gym. I swam. Yes, I did eat lots of unhealthy stuff - umm, doner kebabs?? greasy chips & burgers?? chow mein takeout?? and I smoked, drank beer & spirits. But I was fit for my weight, active, and most of all, adventurous. Interested in the world around me. A notable thing about this lifestyle is that I did not use my car a lot. I cycled, walked or got the bus, and then walked again.

I think it is kind of sad, that I don't cycle any more. That despite trying to eat healthier, I'm still putting on weight because I'm not regulating my portions. That I let the weather tell me that I can't get on my bike. That I allow fear of being seen as 'that fat bird on the bike' put me off getting back on my lovely Dawes Hybrid. That I'm full of excuses to not exert myself.

I've always liked living in England. I like the variable weather. I never thought that I would be complaining about the cold like I am now, and using it as an excuse for not going out on a walk, "its too cold to go swimming", "the roads are all wet and greasy - too dangerous to go cycling". Hmpf. When did I become such a whiner?

Okay - time for fairy godmother voice: "Think about how much fun it was to cycle. How good the wind felt. How fabulous it was to go fast under your own steam. How happy you were when you managed to climb up a steep slope, how victorious you felt. How strong your lungs and legs were. And all the places you got to see. You can have all that again. Yep. Really easy."

How? whispers me.

"Get on yer bike, luv!"

MY DAWES HYBRID c. 1990s

Now isn't she lovely? 18 gears, comfortable trailbike handlebars, and somewhere I have a gel-tech saddle cover for those loooong bum-challenging trips. Her brakes are splendid, and the carrier has accompanying panniers for any gear I want to carry around. Who could resist taking her out for a spin, hmm?

Ummm. Once this squall is over...
FG waves wand ;)